How I Eliminated All My Binge Urges And Forgot How to be Bulimic!
I recovered. You can too!
Hi! I'm Shaye. I'm a 26 year old girl from New Zealand.
There was a time in my life that I was so deeply lost in bulimia, that I was sure it would kill me. I was constantly pushing the fear of dying to the back of my mind. When I went to sleep at night, I would always pray that I would wake up in the morning. I would promise myself that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow I wouldn't binge and purge.
I broke that promise hundreds of times.
As bulimia stole the years from my life, the side effects continued to get worse...
- Constant fear of death, fueled by an irregular heart beat
- Horrible rotten bulimia-teeth which I tried to hide by not smiling.
- Chipmunk cheeks which made my face look chubby.
- Alienated friends and family - who never knew the real me.
- Constant depression, anxiety, anger and extreme shame.
- Completely uncontrollable binge urges.
But do you know what the amazing thing is? I've basically forgotten how to be bulimic.
In fact, I have forgotten. I can't even remember how to have a binge urge. My chipmunk cheeks have dissappeared, I no longer obssess over food and I smile because I'm happy, not because I'm trying to hide something. It's was a wonderful feeling to permanently turn off those psychotic voices which told me to eat all time ( I'll talk about this more in the story below ).
And I don't even regret the 10 plus years that I was bulimic for. That might sound crazy, but it lead me to develop the Bulmia Recovery Program and Community which has become a passion in my life. Leading so many strong women towards a bulmia free life is priceless. It gives purpose to all the years I suffered.
If You've Ever Been Possessed, Like a Crazy Animal on the Desperate Prowl for Food - You'll Relate to My Story
It was a Friday afternoon. A group of young girls poured out of the graphic design building at my university. They giggled about the "talent" they were going to check out at the bar that night.
You know how young girls are when they're excited, gossiping and chattering non-stop.
"I'm getting a sex on the beach tonight, that's for sure. What about you Shaye?"... Hannah's question shook me out of a daze. Cocktails were the last thing on my mind.
"Sorry Hannah, I have got to get home tonight." My mind raced, trying to think of an excuse quickly. "We've got a family dinner on"
Hannah's head dropped. She was used to my excuses.
Have you ever disappointed friends like this before?
I hated doing it, but something deep inside was driving me home.
Adrenaline began to pulse through my veins at the thought of it.
As I arrived home, there were no cars in the driveway. The house was empty, just the way I wanted it. But I had to hurry, mom and dad would be home soon and I didn't want to get caught. This had been my secret for 10 years and I needed it to stay that way.
I raced to the pantry, threw some bread in the toaster and ripped open the cereal. I scoffed down 2 bowls by the time the toaster popped. I plastered my toast with butter and downed a litre of chocolate milk. I was just getting started.
The Pre-Programmed Eating Machine Was in Control. You Know What It's Like, Don't You?
Within 10 minutes the pain was unbearable and I needed relief. I could not physically eat another thing.
With eye's watering and throat burning, I flushed my lumpy vomit down the toilet... and with that, my heart sank to the bathroom floor. "Is this what I sacrificed time with Hannah for?" But there was no turning back now.
The note on the pot read "Please don't eat. For dinner party with the Wilsons tomorrow. Love Dad". Spaghetti bolognaise was dads specialty dish, which he had spent the whole afternoon lovingly cooking. As I shovelled it down my throat, I can't even remember tasting it.
I was ignoring the fact that I'd just devoured enough food for 6 people, when I heard the sound of tyres crunching on the driveway. Mom and dad were home early!
I dumped the empty pot in the sink, turned the volume of the T.V. on high and ran to the bathroom. You know how your heart pounds when you think you might get caught, right?
The toilet bowl looked sparkly and white as I finished cleaning the yellow fat from the mince. I was out in 2 minutes to greet Mom and Dad with a fake smile on my face. I could already feel the dread building in my chest as I saw my dad walk into the kitchen. How the hell would I explain this one?
That's what I hated so much about my bulimia. I was a good person. An honest, kind and loving girl. My dream was to save up money and buy mom and dad a cottage by the sea. It's where they had always wanted to live.
But here I was wasting their time, money and food. I hated that bulimia made me steal and lie...
Eye's Wide and Scratching His Head, Dad Asked "Where's my Spaghetti Bolognaise?"
I blocked out feelings of guilt, and lied with a sweet smile on my face. "My friends came to hang out. There was nothing else, so we ate it. They say you're an awesome cook. Thanks Dad!"
Dad believed me. But something inside me forever changed...
That night in bed, I forced my head into my pillow and screamed from a deep part of my soul. I was furious and raging with self-disgust. I asked myself through gasps, over and over... "What have I become?"
I vowed to myself, that I would not live like this any longer.
If Recovery Was Possible, I Would Find It!
3.00am. I was sitting in bed, researching recovery tips online. I found a doctor who suggested cutting out all triggering foods. It sounded perfect and made sense. If pastries, chocolates and chips made me binge, cutting them out would break the binge purge cycle. I promised myself that, using this advice, tomorrow would be different. I would not binge and purge.
I could already taste success. Dancing, flirting, care-free and happy - come next Friday night I WOULD go out with my friends
11am. Throwing up hurt. More than usual. This was meant to be the first day of my recovery and was proof. I was out of control. The recovery advice I took was clearly from someone who had never actually experienced bulimia. My new restrictive, "non-triggering" diet had made my binge urges spiral madly out of control. Along with it, my heart ached with hopelessness. I couldn't even last one day.
One After the Other, Like Domino's, My Different Recovery Plans Toppled
- Only eating dinner and then going to sleep without purging.
- Fruit and veges only
- Liquid diets
- Hypnosis
- Fasting
- Countless detoxes
With every recovery attempt, I grew more frustrated and ashamed of my secret. I felt like a freak! I finally realised that I could not recover in the isolation of my mind. I needed somebody to share my struggles and triumphs with. Someone who understood me and would not judge me. Somebody to give me sound and practical recovery advice. I needed to try something different.
Sitting outside the university counsellors office, the sweat was dripping off every part of my body. My stomach was churning with nerves. This would be the first time I had ever opened up about my bulimia. I was terrified.
Over the next hour Amanda explained to me that I wasn't a freak and there wasn't anything un-fixable about me. I wasn't Shaye the bulimic. I was simply Shaye, who happened to have bulimia. It was something I could completely recover from.
As Amanda spoke, Bulimia screamed - "She's lying!"
A memory clawed its way into my mind...
It was of a woman I knew, talking about her daughters bulimia... "Bulimia isn't something Gina will ever recover from, she'll always have to manage the symptoms of it."
"See," Bulimia shouted... "I'm here for good!"
I Was Almost Sucked in by Bulimia's Lies
But somewhere, through the darkness, I glimpsed a sparkle of hope in Amanda's words. It was small, but it was there. And it gave me the belief that perhaps I could change. And change is what I needed, because electrolyte imbalances were starting to play havoc with my heart...
Over the months that followed, I began applying Amanda's advice along with tips from the countless self-help books I'd read. I also started keeping a diary of what was working and what wasn't.
And you know what? I began to get better. Some days I could even get to the afternoon without binging and purging. This made my heart flutter with excitement. Recovery felt within reach. I was now binging and purging once a day, down from 15.
It Was Time For a Reward - A Holiday in the Sunny Pacific Islands
3 weeks later my binging and purging was completely out of control. I had cancelled my trip to the islands and had gained 6lbs. Why?
I'd tried to diet so that I could fit into my red polka dot bikini.
It felt like all my progress had been lost. I was back to my old tricks...
- Stealing food.
- Lying to the people I loved the most.
- Isolating myself so I could hang out with Bulimia.
On one particular night of wild binging and purging, something terrifying happened. It felt like a dagger had been thrust into my heart.
My Body Spasmed and I Curled Up Like a Baby on the Floor - Was I Dying?
I had terrible visions of my Mom walking in and finding me dead, in a puddle of my own puke. What an awful way for her to learn my secret.
Lying there with my teeth clenched in pain, I was having flashbacks on my recovery journey. The more I thought about it, the more everything started to make sense.
Trying to lose weight by dieting was a big no-no. Even the thought of restricting my food made me want to eat everything in sight. Attempting to diet would lead back to bulimia every single time.
I couldn't risk that. Because with this much pain in my chest, I wasn't sure I was going to get another chance.
I knew I was lucky as the terrible pains started to fade away. I would live to see another day. But I knew that in order to recover I would need to use all the tips I'd learned over the past 6 months. I would also need to eat in a regular and structured way and trust that digesting normal amounts of food would not make my weight balloon.
I suddenly understood that this was the final piece of the puzzle. For so many years I had tried to "treat" my bulimia by cutting things out. I could see now that food was not the enemy. The subconscious dieting mentality I had developed as a kid was to blame.
It even makes sense from a scientific point of view... When you diet, you send messages to a primal part of your brain called the sub-cortex. The sub-cortex's job is to keep you alive through your basic fears. eg. The fear of danger. But most relevant to dieters, the fear of famine. When you diet, you send messages to your sub-cortex that there is a famine. It's response is to put you on the lookout for food all the time. Your binge urges are born.
Now you may have stopped dieting long ago. But even the slightest restrictive thought can reactivate this primal fear. I talk about this in great detail in the bulimia recovery guide. (below)
Anyway, back to the story.
Trusting my body was a terrifying concept. I hadn't done that since I was 8 years old.
The food that I was supposed to eat seemed like too much to hold down. But I had been watching normal eaters, so I knew it was the right amount. At first my stomach screamed in pain from the bloating. Digesting food was a foreign concept. It seemed to sit there for days on end, fermenting in my stomach.
2 Months Binge and Purge Free and Finally my Unbelievable Bloating had Started to Subside
Looking in the mirror, I could see that bulimia had done nothing for me. My pimples were disappearing. My coldsores had cleared up. I even got people asking if I'd lost weight. I hadn't of course, but my chipmunk cheeks had disappeared.
And that was after just 2 months! Now I've been recovered from bulimia for many years and every year just gets better and better.
I've been at the same weight since I recovered. It's my natural weight, a slim, energetic and healthy place to be. I now eat what I want, when my body tells me to. It's the most freeing feeling I could ever explain - trusting my body. I love catching up with my old uni friends at a nice restaurant and enjoying their company as much as I enjoy the food!
There are just so many things that I love about living a life free from bulimia. It's as if bulimia was a dark veil that had been put over my eyes. Everything looked depressing. Recovery ripped that veil off so that I could see the world for what it truly was. A beautiful place full of love and happiness.
For the first 3 years after I had recovered, I wanted nothing to do with Bulimia. I didn't want to talk about it, read about it, watch about it.... Nothing.
But as time went on, I got an itch. I wanted to spread the word about this beautiful life that was waiting on the other side of bulimia. I wanted everyone to know that a complete recovery was totally possible. And I wanted them to know how to achieve it. The Bulimia Recovery Program was born.
How The Bulimia Recovery Program Can Help You Make Peace With Food
My recovery journey went through plenty of ups and downs. It was difficult because good practical advice was hard to find. But it doesn't have to be that way for you...
I have condensed all of my bulimia recovery knowledge into a step by step program that will guide you to peace, health and happiness.
My knowledge was gained through...
- My own bulimia recovery experience
- Helping countless other women walk to recovery
- Continuing research on the top recovery techniques available.
I now know what it takes to recover. I can show you the way out.
Here are the Key Parts of The Bulimia Recovery Program That Will Make Recovery a Reality For You
The Bulimia Recovery Guide
This guide is absolutely everything I wished I had known when I was recovering. It would have made the journey so much smoother.
In the guide I'll explain...
- Eye opening knowledge on what caused my bulimia - and your bulimia too! (And how the same thing has also given healthy men bulimia!)
- How to figure out your natural set weight (what you'll stabilize at during / after recovery)
- How much food comes up when you vomit (This will amaze you!)
- How to re-gain your habit of normal eating (A simple step that works!)
- How to deal with the inevitable binge and purge urges
- Coping strategies and tips for recovery bloating
- How to re-wire your mind into a 'non-bulimic' mind
- How to love your body (Yes, it is possible!)
- How to heal your metabolism with specific eating styles and exercise
- How to be your own therapist and keep your recovery steaming ahead
- And much more...
What members are saying about the guide...
"Shaye's guide is ultimate Bible for any one suffering from an Eating Disorder."
"First things first, did you get started on reading the guide? I strongly recommend that that's the first thing you should do, it's our "bible" it's packed wih information, motivation and VITAL strategies for recovery."
Support From a Loving Community of People Who Understand You
The love and support shared in this community blows my mind. So many girls have said that this is key to their recovery. This was posted just the other day...
"Just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone posting on the site..just reading though everything and it gives me so much hope. So comforting to know I'm not the only one living through this :) "
Get Answers to All Your Recovery Questions
Of course there will be plenty of questions you will want to ask during your recovery. Through the interactive features of the online community, including forums, personal updates and commenting, good advice is always close at hand.
The girls in the recovery community always amaze me with the wonderful support and advice they offer. It's as one of the girls said recently...
"You ladies rock and make my world so much more bareable!! Your support, encouragment, advice, and smiles make this the best end to my day!! "
Stay On Track With Your Own Recovery Blog
Blog about your recovery journey in the private online community to keep you on track. The comments and support you'll get will motivate you to keep pushing forward until you reach recovery.
See how this is helping other girls in the program...
"Wow, by the number of comments on my anger question, it's clearly not just me!! Thanks so much for sharing these things everyone, it does help to know others feel this too. Everyone has said something that approaches this from a different angle or viewpoint, I'm grateful for that!"
"Thanks you guys! I REALLY appreciate all of your positive comments to me- It truly does give me hope! I am choosing recovery today!!!!"
Turn Your Binge Urges into Recovery Motivation
Together with the community, we're gathering an amazing collection of inspirational distractions. These are videos and articles which you can use to distract yourself during a binge urge. They will motivate you to push forward with recovery!
Here's a few things that have been said about the distractions...
"Have you looked through the distractions on here? There are some really good ones that inspire me when I'm feeling a bit like you are now.xx"
"There's so much on here between resources, support, and yes, even the amazing distractions! You're going to love it, and you will get through this!"
Develop The Habit of Normal Eating With These Tools
Reduce your binges by planning your meals in advance using the online meal-planner. - "Today is going to be my first binge free day in over 15 years... I've actually used the structured eating planner to organise my day. Feel so positive!"
Help spot what's triggering your binges by tracking them on the binge tracker tool. - "The binge tracker is really helpful - I could already figure out some triggers and learn forgotten things about myself that helped me to calm down and relax."
Completely Private
During my bulimia recovery, I still didn't feel comfortable sharing my secret with people I knew. You may feel the same.
That's why The Bulimia Recovery Program is completely private and only accessible by members. It's a place where you can feel safe.
Look how The Bulimia Recovery Program Has Helped These Amazing Women...
Below are just a few of the great things women are saying about The Bulimia Recovery Program...
"I can honestly say that I would not be where I am today without The Bulimia Recovery Program....
When I started on the journey of recovery I felt so incredibly alone. I felt like no one would ever understand where I was or how I felt or what I was going through. I began searching online for someone or something that could help me, that could offer me hope. What I found was the greatest community of people and the largest support network I have ever had the privilege of being a part of. The people in the community build each other up, show each other love and encourage the positive behaviors that have helped me each day on this recovery journey.
I can say, without a doubt, that I'm am further along in my recovery as a result of being a part of this program. I am so thankful that Shaye has created this family that has allowed me to receive the support I would have never had if I had continued on my own.
I'm looking forward to each new day and each step forward as I continue to grow and beat bulimia for good!!"
"The Bulimia Recovery Program has truly been a blessing in my life in SO many ways...
I was always too afraid or embarrassed to see an actual therapist for my disorder, but Shaye has created a safe haven in which I was truly able to take those first steps towards recovery.
First off, I must say that Shaye is an absolute angel! She is so kind, compassionate, and thoughtful and she genuinely cares about EVERYONE’S recovery! She does such an amazing job with encouraging us all and helping guide everybody through the difficult times towards healing and helping us get back on track when relapses occur. However, Shaye is only one person, so you must also do your part to work towards recovery. But don’t worry, it’s not as challenging or scary as you may think!
Shaye gives you SO many tools to help make the whole process as easy as possible with a deeply insightful recovery guide, structured eating plans, distraction tools, binge trackers, and a whole private community of other people also battling bulimia that you can lean on for support!
This program has made a huge impact in my life and I am grateful to be part of such a wonderful community and to have made friends with some pretty amazing people!"
"The Bulimia Recovery Program has been an absolute blessing in my life! The support of the people here are amazing and have greatly helped me in my journey of recovering.
I have long been looking for a place of refuge, a place where I could feel safe, supported and encouraged-and this is the place! I feel I can open up freely and receive the emotional support I have long been waiting to find. Best of all, on the site you can be 'anonymous' and still feel welcome because everyone here understands your journey, having been down the same road.
The Guide, along with the support tools are awesome! Understanding bulimia, the cause of it, and the way out of it have opened my eyes to what I never understood before about the disorder!
The program as a whole is complete and encompasses the means of a way to recovery. I am in my third month of recovery and I never thought I would EVER get this far! One day used to seem impossible, now I know complete healing is possible.
Thank you Shaye, for creating this wonderful community, a place of warmth and refuge-an oasis in the desert. I am getting there day by day, and this recovery program is the shining light I have been waiting for!"
I have had an eating disorder for eight years. I have been in intensive outpatient therapy, private and group therapy, but the Bulimia Recovery Program is a tool that I can use myself, at anytime, and it puts my recovery back into my hands.
It is wonderful to read the loving and supportive comments others in the community give and the structure eating and distraction tools are simple to use and practical.
I cannot understate the power of Shaye's real and matter of fact advice and her simple, but constant message that "she has recovered and I can too." This message is more valuable that I can say.
"When I joined this program about a month ago my 11 years bulimia ordeal had lead me to a state of desperation. I felt like being trapped in a prison without a chance to escape.
As I then started reading the Guide the BRP includes I learned the facts that help to understand I'm no freak. I'm simply bulimic. I learned of the techniques that are proven to beat bulimia. And I understand that being aware of being bulimic means having the power to beat this. I learned that the recovery tools are easy to use and truly effective. And the most important thing: the community.
It is the glue that keeps it all together – it's always there for you to share your fears, your successes, your questions,... all these strong and beautiful people are bound together by the wish to recover and support each other to get back their lives.
Everyday the hope I feel and share with the community increasingly turns from wishful thinking into a strengthening foundation - recovery is more of a belief now than just a vague dream.
It's safe to say that the BRP is the long lasting beneficial support that encouraged me to smile at life again and to re-open my heart for the joy and beauty it offers to all of us!"
Why It's A Smart Idea To Purchase Today
I only launched The Bulimia Recovery Program and Community last year. It is still young, but growing quickly.
Despite the amount of work I've put into it, I still only charge a low price for it. Why? Because it's so awesome seeing the girls recover.
However, I now spend many hours each day adding new recovery products and resources to the program. So although I'd like to, I can't keep it at this low price forever.
Here's where you can benefit.
When you purchase today you lock in the monthly price that you purchase it at. Any further recovery resources I develop for the program are yours for free.
Currently the price is $9.95 per month
That means that when I add new products like the 6 month recovery ecourse and the conquer bloating e-book (coming soon) you'll still only pay $9.95 per month.
Note: You can cancel the monthly fee at any time.
And of course, there's no risk on your behalf. I guarantee the program will help your recovery. If you feel like it isn't, just request a refund within 60 days and I'll be happy to give you all your money back.
Join The Program And Start Your Recovery Right Away
Once you've joined The Bulimia Recovery Program, you'll be directed to a page where you can choose your login details. You'll be able to create an account and login right away.
Once you've logged in you'll be able to:
- Download and discover essential recovery tips in The Bulimia Recovery Guide (pdf ebook)...
- Begin chatting and getting recovery support from the other members
- Start sharing your thoughts and experiences through blogging...
- Feel connected by making friends with the amazing girls in the program
- Gain control of your eating by using the powerful normal eating tools.
The $9.95 monthly fee will be debited from your credit card automatically each month, and of course, you can close your account at any time.
If you have any questions about The Bulimia Recovery Program, please feel free to get it touch with me here.
Join below to become part of the life-changing community and recovery program...
Are You Ready To Start Living Again?
I wasted 10 years of my life in the dark trenches of bulimia. There's no need for you to go on any longer like this.
I recovered. You can too.
All of the resources you need to find health and happiness are right here. There's information, tools and a loving community that won't stop supporting you until you're completely free from this horrible disease.
All you need to do is make the decision.
Take your life back...
Here’s to your bulimia recovery!
Shaye Boddington
www.your-bulimia-recovery.com
www.overcoming-bulimia.com
P.S. Remember you have got absolutely nothing to lose. Why not try it out? If the program isn't right for you, just take advantage of the full money back guarantee. Join the recovery program today...
P.P.S. In the scheme of things, what is $10/month? I spent over $15,000 on binge foods in 2007 (Yikes!!). If this program had been around it could have saved me a lot of money.